Nighttime Comics Lampoon Trump's Controversial 'Gold Card' Residency Plan

Television's top comedians devoted the broadcast criticizing former President Donald Trump's newly unveiled immigration initiative, labeled the "gold card," describing it as a obvious pay-to-play system for the affluent.

Colbert's Pointed Spin

Starting his show, Stephen Colbert offered a satirical holiday tune targeting the president. "He is compiling a list, reviewing it twice, and then giving that list to the agents at ICE," he crooned. "The President ... ruins all he handles."

Colbert's target was the new plan that permits overseas citizens to purchase U.S. residence for an investment of $1 million dollars, or "top-tier" option for 5 million. A government website promises processing "in record time."

"One message for you to wealthy applicants: before you pony up, what about Canada?" Colbert joked.

He pointed out that the program is also intended to "squeeze cash" from firms wishing to hire foreign workers, with significant costs. "That's a lot of fees, however if you enroll, you additionally get free accommodation at a property of your selection – as long as it's the Tampa Marriott Bonvoy," he added.

"The most thorough vetting the government has ever done," remarked Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick, "a $15,000 vetting to make sure these individuals completely are eligible to be in America."

"That's important, you gotta prove you're fit to be an American," Colbert responded. "First question: how many burgers would you eat for a free T-shirt?"

Jimmy Kimmel's Humorous Commentary

On his own show, Jimmy Kimmel referred to the visa program the "American Dream Express Card."

"It's a card that will allow affluent foreigners to live here," he stated. "In exchange for a million dollars, you get official visitor status, you get a pathway to citizenship, and a president's pardon for one significant crime of your choosing."

"It might be time to change that message on the Statue of Liberty – forget about your huddled masses. Pay a million bucks, you're in!" he added.

Kimmel teased the simplicity of the application, noting it is "more difficult to start a Wordle account." He said that Trump "believes citizenship is something you can sell, like a condo."

"That's right, the best people are the rich people," Kimmel quipped. "That's what Jesus always said! Read it in the Bible. He says it's easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle if you give the needle a million dollars."

Seth Meyers discussing Affordability Issues

On another network, Seth Meyers addressed Trump's declining approval numbers during financial worries. "People gave Donald Trump a another term because they were angry about the economy," he explained.

This week, in a effort to address prices, Trump conducted a press conference in front of a selection of food items, where he reacted oddly to some cereal.

"Lovely packaging, I think I'm going to take a few of them back to my home and have a lot of fun," Trump said. "Like the Cheerios, I haven't had Cheerios in a ages."

"He's so fucking weird," Meyers responded. "Like, you're going to take them home to your cottage to have a lot of fun with them? What are you gonna do with those Cheerios?"

Meyers wrapped up by mocking conservative news arguments of Trump's financial performance. "Maybe instead of complaining, you should give him a sparkling trophy similar to the one FIFA did," he laughed.