Excessive Apologies: How to Break the Cycle
For me as a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve consistently thought that courtesy is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a satisfying life, I’ve battled very little self-assurance. This mix of aiming to be considerate and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Many times, it happens so quickly that I’m barely noticing of it. It stems from anxiety and has affected both my private and professional life. It irritates my close ones and colleagues, and then I get upset when they bring it up—which only worsens my anxiety.
Presenting and Questioning
This excessive apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to speaking to others or asking questions in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay focused and avoid going off-topic, but even that fails most of the time. As an starting scholar in political science, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through exposure therapy, such as teaching classes and pushing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing embarrassments from established male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I revert to old habits.
Self-Acceptance
I don’t believe I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still appreciate life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to reduce the overuse of apologies. I’ve read that counseling might support me, but I ask how it can help in practice.
Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a burden on others.
Exploring the Causes
A counselor might explore where this urge comes from. Questions like, “How early were you when this began?” or “Was it your own idea or inherited from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once benefited us become harmful in grown-up life.
In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-defeating. You are aware it irritates those around you, yet you persist it.
The Role of Therapy
When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than doing. Much of helpful sessions is about self-awareness, not just fixing issues. A experienced counselor will kindly probe you, offering a secure environment to examine and acknowledge who you are.
Instead of facing fears head-on, a relational approach with a supportive guide might be more helpful. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you treat, dismiss, and undermine yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-assurance can improve from there.
Actionable Tips
Changing long-standing behaviors is challenging, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by thinking on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an try to avoid shame or exposure, by recognizing perceived flaws before others do. This can create a loop of frustration and anxiety.
Even thinking things through can be beneficial. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel understood without you taking responsibility.
This approach will take persistence, but recognizing there’s an issue is a important first step toward growth.
